A Few Ways to Self Care in 2019

Good morning!

Happy Hump day…..I wanted to discuss a topic that is important to our physical and mental health.  Its easy to get caught up in the day to day of life and forget about keeping your self mentally and physically healthy.  I wanted to pinpoint some ways that have helped myself, along with others regroup, and get back on track when things get foggy.  First lets describe what self care is: “the practice of taking an active role in protecting ones own well being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.”

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Below are some ways that can potentially get you on the right track towards loving yourself first and making time for the small things that are easily overlooked when it comes to your well-being.

  1. Keep a planner or notebook with your feelings and thoughts – this is a great way to keep track of your future goals and plans.  Its proven that when you right down a goal, it becomes a plan, a plan in return becomes an action.  Keep your thoughts organized and set yourself deadlines on when you plan on executing these goals  either short term or long term. I myself have went through tons of planners and after a while they get put somewhere and forgotten, so make sure you choose  planner that is easy to bring with you, or keep near in times that you need to jot down a thought/feeling. 
  2. Take a break away from Social Media – close up shop and disengage.  Stop sharing your life with people you don’t speak to day to day.  Does it matter what the guy from senior year high-school 15 years ago is doing, or what your ex boyfriends kids look like? NO…..certain things should be private.  I was a big social media person a year ago but when I started a family and accumulated more things of value, I wanted to only share this with those I trust and love.  Social media is a great way to connect on a business stand point and with true friends but also can cause depression and envy during times of stress.  Log off and put away the social media and focus on the meaningful relationships in your life. 
  3. Organize your space – Cleaning and throwing away old baggage is a great way to de-clutter and feel on track.  For example, organizing your closet, and getting rid of old clothes and shoes that you no longer where or fit can help make room for new items that you need.  Making room for new items makes you feel like refreshed and positive. Many times when you get rid of junk and items that are taking space, you can make a list of the items you need and re-vamp.  Shopping therapy is always refreshing so set a date to de-clutter.
  4. Seek Professional Advice – Talk to someone that doesn’t know you or lacks judgement about your situation.  It can be embarrassing to open up to those that may not understand what you are going through.  If you meet with a therapist or psychologist, they can give you insight on what your feeling and help you sort a few things out. These people don’t have the answers but they can be an ear to listen when you need to vent or figure out your next steps. Here is a free sight that will assist with finding a therapist in your area: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
  5. Read something that makes you happy – Reading was always something I enjoyed doing as a kid.  Its nothing like a good book to let your imagination run free.  Create your own world and characters.  It lets you get away from your reality for a while. Think about what type of books your would enjoy, such as self help, non fiction, fiction, research, comics etc.  Go tot he local bookstore or library.  Download the Kindle app on your phone or tablet and read. I can admit I have got away from readying myself but will make it a point to add more literature to my day to day moving forward.
  6. Plan something to look forward to – Always keep a future plan on your agenda.  Write down a end point and look forward to completing this whether it be a celebration, vacation, spa day, dinner with the girls or fellas, fun night out, whatever it is have an end point to something fun that helps you get by each day and week. 

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These are just a few ways that can help put you in the right direction. Thank you for Reading! Feel free to comment on what works for you as well!

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The Rise of Single Motherhood

I’m sure this is a topic that many of us have known to become true in the last couple of decades for women of all races but I’m going to focus on African American women because studies show that we have the highest rise in single motherhood than the other groups.

There are many reasons we can point the blame to but the truth be told that it’s so common these days that we have become to accept it as normal. Let’s fist discuss some of the potential reasons that started this epidemic:

-Many African American fathers are dead or in jail. Half our men have been killed with by the police or crime involvement weather voluntarily or innocent bystander. Black men get locked up and much harsher sentencing than any other race so it’s not surprising many of them are in jail and unable to raise their children. Many of the reasoning for black men to go to jail are environment upbringings that put them in a situation to survive such as selling drugs for money, crime to feed family or finding no way out of unfortunate circumstances. These are reasons that we have known for many years challenge African American men.

This has trickled down to the households where girlfriends and wives of black men are left as widows or single mothers because these men are no longer in the home to help raise the family. So this falls on the shoulders of the women. It’s like a domino effect.

Now let’s shoot years later in the new millennium and examine how this mentality has become normal. For many years we have seen grandmothers, mothers, sisters, cousins, friends and aunts raise their children alone for whatever reason that the father is not involved or in the home that we have come accustom to accepting that this is what is alright. I say this now because almost everyone knows at least two or more black single mothers that never been married to the father, or decided to become a single mother by choice without hesitation. It’s like we come together as a sisterhood and support this thinking because we are so use to doing it alone due to growing up and seeing many of our fore-mothers raising children alone due to the circumstances above. When something is common it’s likely to become normalized and that’s why I feel it’s a rise in the black community.

We can’t forget the small group of women that feel they would be good moms and raise a child themselves without the father and this may potentially be true to the fact that women are becoming head of household, have higher educations in the black community to the male counterparts, less crime rate and affiliation, and hold jobs that allow the income to raise a child on their own. So with this belief many women feel empowered that they can be a great single mother by choice.

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There are upsides and downsides which affect not having a family structure. Many we already know and understand and sometimes it’s best not to be in a situation that is unhealthy for parents and child. In this situation a healthy co parenting situation will be better if not JUST as rewarding for everyone involved. If this is priority in most single family households, we could see less affects in the black community. What do you think? Thanks for reading!

Is this Free Will or was I Destined to Go Through This?

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I am not the most religious person, let me start by saying that.  I always wondered how this THING called life is set up.  As I got older, things start to become more clear. Life is a journey, not a marathon. Every person has been through ups and downs, and has a set journey specific to them.  One question I have asked my mom many times: does everyone we meet significant in our lives serve a purpose? For example, when we get married, is this person destined to be our wife/husband? When we have children with someone, were we meant to “mate” with this person so our off spring can be created? These are questions that you can answer differently depending on how you look at it.

When we think about our life being made up of “Free Will, the meaning I found is: “the power of acting without the constraint of necessity or fate; the ability to act at one’s own discretion.”  Yes we can make decisions in life and they may not all be “godly” or what he has planned, but did we actually choose this as our decision, or was this God’s fate all along.  Sometimes I do think that we have free will during our journey planned by GOD for example, I do believe our journey is pre-determained.  When we listen to GOD or that spiritual nature such as “gut feelings, living by the bible, avoiding man’s sins, listening and learning who our guardian angels are on earth are all designed to keep us on the path GOD has for us.  When we add free will into it, this allows us to veer off path and make a decision that is not GODLY such as pre-marital sex – which can result in heartbreak, kids out of wedlock or with the wrong person, suicide, early death from what should not have been, pretty much anything sinful can lead us off track and cut life short or make obstacles in our life. 

When I think of Pre-determained, I truly believe that GOD has a plan for all of us. The meaning I found is: predestine (an outcome or course of events). Every soul born onto this earth in my opinion has a pre-determained path and a spiritual goal to fulfill. Many of us because of sin do not live out this goal, and if we do we go to the promise land which is heaven. These are not facts at all just my opinion based on how I look at life thus far. What do you think? Have you ever had an experienced that validated any of this?  Thanks for reading!

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How to Stay Positive While Waiting For Mr. Right

It seemed like yesterday that I was a single woman, exhausted with dating, and had reached a point where I was over it! It seemed like the older to became, and the more you obtained on your own, the options got smaller for potential candidates that would work long term. Now that I am married, and much in love with my husband, I can confirm it was very much so worth the wait for the right partner. I can definitely say dating the in 20th century is challenging.  You have so many outlets such as online dating, speed dating, Mobile apps such as Tinder, Social media etc. where you can meet a potential match. What makes this challenging is that sometimes too many options can become overwhelming and cloud your judgement on who would make an ideal candidate for you.

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Typically you think that if a guy was interested, he would pursue and court you to show he is serious about a relationship.  In this day and age, he can pursue you just to have a sexual encounter.  I believe that’s why its so important to make it clear on what you are looking for from the start so that no one feels led on or taken advantage of.  I know it is not that cut and dry. Most men don’t look for a woman he can jump into a relationship right away if he has options so, typically those types of guys have to be single and get it OUT their system before commitment or you will be a very unhappy woman trying to tame that type of beast.  If a man is ready he will be patient, and spend alot of time getting to know you, and learn if there is a potential future with you, with or without sex. So for my single gals I wanted to put together a list of ways to stay positive while waiting for Mr. Right, and signs to look for to avoid Mr. Right Now.

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Things to do to Stay Positive While waiting for Mr. Right:

1) Stack your Money – A woman with the bag can make moves as she deem fit. You wont have to wait for anyone to take you out, and you can spend that free single time traveling and seeing the world with friends.  There is nothing more attractive than a financially stable woman who can make her own and add to.  Save and cut back on areas that you can so when the right person comes along, you have funds set aside for a potential wedding, starting a family etc and to treat yourself.

2) Build a close relationship with GOD- Learn more about your spiritual side, connect and have a bond with him to show you the way while in wait.  Talk to GOD about what you want the out some of the next few years to be, and listen closely to the steps he advises to take.  This will keep you sharp and positive while in wait, and away from wolves in sheep clothing.

3) Keep a Goal list – Keep a list of goals written down.  This will allow you to check off each life goal you have been wanting to accomplish while in wait.  Once you get married and start a family, many of the goals will be put on hold because now it wont be just about you.  Focus on achieving these goals so that your focus is not on rushing to get married, or Mr. Right.  This will also help you look back on life with minimal regrets on what you should have done.

Signs to Look for to avoid Mr. Right NOW:

1) If a man tells you he is not looking for nothing serious believe him. Do not make it more than what it is, and definitely do not put yourself in a situation to get pregnant by him because promise you that it wont work, and he will NOT marry you.  You will end up single and a mother which makes thing snow 10x harder to date, and Find Mr. Right because you are stressing about making things work with Mr. Right Now’s child.

2) If your going to sleep with a guy early, make sure you have a conversation with yourself that you will NOT make it more than what it is because the worst thing you can do is have a sexual encounter with Mr. Right Now, and you are not in a commitment.  If there are no talks of a relationship than you will NOT be the only one he sleeps with.  It does not matter how good you put it on him. Trust me if you are trying to put it on him, someone else is too.  Run….far away. Do not get your heart tied up in this mess.  If you want a conversation time to time thats cool too, but keep other options and do not make sex a consistent thing with this guy, it will back fire when the sex gets old. I seen this happen to too many women.

3) Avoid lay up and chill situations. If he can’t take time to have a conversation, spend time out with you, he isnt on anything serious.  Never assume, always let him tell you and show you he is interested.  Don’t sleep around of course, but date different people to see what you like.  Have options, men keep options right?  Always remember we are in control (women) if sex happens so if it does, you can only blame yourself (unless he forces himself on you of course.)

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Well I hope this helps my single ladies who are still in the field, trust me I been there but Mr. Right is out there and waiting for a beautiful woman like you just avoid those pitfalls I listed. 😉 Thank you for reading.

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Keeping a Goal List

Hey ladies and Gents! I wanted to give you all some inspiration this morning!  Always always keep a personal goal list.  Even if you are married.  Never forget about who you were/are as an individual.  It may be easy to get lost in the noise of a relationship, marriage, becoming a mother or father and forget the personal goals you ave striven for yourself. Remember……not all marriages and relationships last, so who will you be once thats over.  I am not saying that you should look forward to the worst, I am just saying be realistic about how LIFE works.  Also if your a parent, remember children grow up, and become their own personal, with their own goals, wants and feelings which can make you feel alone when they are no longer with you everyday or grow up to be independent. With this being said, be sure to take note of personal goals both financially, and personally.  I like to write mine down, its something about seeing them on paper that makes me feel a bit more connected to them. Many folks like to make notes in the smart phone or computer.  Whatever works best for you, keep track and give yourself a realistic time frame.  For example, I been wanting to buy a house for the past year, and it seems like every time I get close there is a setback, financially.  These the thing about marriage, you both have to work as a team, and if one needs more time, you MUST compromise. 

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