The “Baby Mama Syndrome”

Hey ladies, I decided to discuss briefly a topic that has become concerning over the past few years.  Lets discuss the “Baby Mama” syndrome.  I am not mother yet, and have been married for two years now.  I always wanted children but knew that if I got pregnant before marriage, there was a high percentage that I would not be with the father, or may never get married.  I didn’t want that, and I wanted my children to be in the same home as the father.  Thus, I am glad I didn’t get knocked up and have to make a decision between my child or marriage.  I am not saying you cant have both if your put into the situation but it does create more odds against you, and challenges as the mother. 

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It seems like especially in the black community its “acceptable” to be a Black single mother.  Its almost like a badge of honor that I “have his baby.”  Its almost like I attend more baby showers than I do weddings in my generation.  I am in my early 30s.  My husband and I have this conversation and he feels Black women “want their purpose and to be in control.”  This is why they have the babies with a man they are not married or committed t to in any way.  He says this way of thinking is generational and has been passed down to be acceptable.  There are no women speaking to our generation letting them know, do not bring a child into this world if the man does not love and respect you or value you as his helpmate.  Instead, they say :”its his fault, have that baby, you will be alright, he better do the right thing etc..” I am a bit biased because as a woman, I understand how we feel, we get a certain age, and that time clock starts going off especially when you hit 30 years old.  Not married and single.  You panic and feel like if I dont go through with this, it may never happen for me.  Also other situations are when your younger, you THINK your in love, and feel like you don’t want to be without this guy, so the baby will be the glue to keep yall together,  This hardly ever works.  The only way it works is if he is IN too you before the baby, and LOVES you regardless, cause men can and do leave.  If we know this, we have to make sure we look out for ourselves, and make decisions that are in OUR best interest.  Some women are accepting of the single mother role, because they want the child, and don’t believe in the PLAN B pill or abortions, but ladies lets be honest, at a certain age you already made up in your mind that HE CAN GET IT, and if you let him raw dog, you came to the conclusion that “you wont be too mad if you get pregnant” lets be real, what hurts is if he doesent “stay or commit to you” if you have the child.  That’s when how he REALLY feels about you shows, and the fact you were a booty call, is even worst.

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I must be honest, majority of my girlfriends from ages 29-40 are single mother, and never been married.  I am like the only friend out of all my girls that’s married right now.  The only ones that are, I met through my husbands friends (their wives). Its sad.  Bbaies will never be the glue….ever, and even marriage ain’t a guarantee but at least yall made it down the aisle to “attempt” to do the things the right way as long as yall could. I am not blaming the woman in these situation,s but ladies we know better, lets start taking accountability for our actions and stop procreating with men that don’t want to be commit to us. That clock shit is real but its fucking us up. Its not cute, and what about the child, now they have to be subject to the parents selfish irrational decisions. Thoughts?

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12 thoughts on “The “Baby Mama Syndrome””

  1. Thank you for following my blog! Your views on black women being single mothers is sadly true. Sometimes people don’t want to change the cycle. If we quit putting this pressure on ourselves to be with someone automatically, then there wouldn’t be early pregnancies.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you commenting Ayana, I just want us to do better and be great. Let’s not settle cause these men clearly aren’t. We wear too many hats to be an option. We miss out and so do the children. Thanks for your response!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I hate that this a stigma that still relevant. A lot of black women really don’t know the nature of submission, which is key to a marriage.Either they’ve never be shown this from their own environment (i.e. their parents, their grandparents.), or just hell bent on doing it for themselves. Some women want to be a wife, however don’t want to behave like a wife.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, it seems like I been to way more baby showers than weddings, and that’s why we have the highest rate of single motherhood. Motherhood is beautiful but I feel like we think a baby will attach us to a man when it doesn’t. I wrote about women taking accountability as well. I totally agree with you.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You have also think of the male aspect. Women cannot make a baby by themselves. Sometimes men have ulterior motives, purposely getting a woman pregnant to have them in their lives forever without any attention on marrying these women. I know several women that have suffered this same fate. A friend of mine was engaged throughout her entire pregnancy, only for him not to be “ready for that kind of commitment”. I don’t believe that it’s solely the woman’s responsibility.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. As a black single mum to 3 i have to admit I agree with this post somewhat, but I live by one simple concept… People change over the years and it’s not uncommon for marriages to fail *after* the birth of a child (due to the stresses of parenting/expectation vs reality)
    I don’t believe any woman is immune from being a single mother even if they have done it the *right way.
    In any relationship, both people grow and not necessarily in the same direction. Whilst the ideal is to be married and settle down, we as women should also take accountability and become boss ass females as no relationship or marriage is guaranteed unless putting in the work *which not everyone is equipped to do*

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  4. Hello and thank you for this post – very insightful. While I do agree that there is some sort of trend/hype around being a baby mama (a trend perpetuated by TV Shows like Love & HipHop), I think that we need to also focus on the role that men play in all of this. I am from Zimbabwe, Southern Africa, and having been brought up there all my life I can point to some of the differences I have observed in the way men are held accountable for their actions. In most African countries, when a woman is impregnated out of wedlock, she is sent to live with her husband and his family, even if it was a one-night stand and they did not have intentions of taking it further. Now, there are obvious cons to this method because will the two really be happy together or are they being set up for an unhappy future? However, this way of doing things allows children to be brought up in nuclear family units and gives the woman some dignity after the man follows through to marry her. In North America and also in the Caribbean, this is not the case. It seems like men are not held accountable and are simply allowed to spread their seed around, the consequences of which are a simple court case which results in him paying a certain amount for child support – and that’s it. He continues his life and goes to procreate elsewhere if he wishes. I think this has created a mentality among the men in these areas that is detrimental because very few of them aspire to marry, and getting a proposal (especially from a black man) is something that women are forced to wait MANY years for and to think of creative ways to ‘get him to put a ring on it’, and one of those ways, unfortunately, is to have his baby(ies). I think this is more prominent of a reason behind the syndrome, as opposed to women just wanting to be in control of the man.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I totally agree but now that many of women know this to be true we have to stop this from happening by putting our best interest first and guarding our intent and emotions. We make the decision to bare child and ultimately are the ones pulling all the weight especially in North America. The article was to allow women to start thinking about what’s in our best interest now that we know the high stakes of the outcome. Thank you for commenting!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I love this post, but I must say that it’s not just black women that find this choice acceptable. I know plenty of single moms of other races and as a former teacher I know that this generation of young women are ok with being a single mother. I don’t knock single mothers it’s hard to raise kids by yourself with two parents in the home. I honestly had a student tell me she wanted to be a single mother! Seriously? I know marriages fail and any one can be a single parent at any time. All I can day is birth control is pretty much FREE these days. There is no reason for all of these woman to be getting pregnant. Especially, if you ain’t keeping your legs closed! Let’s use common sense ladies and protect ourselves.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment and I totally agree! I directed this towards black women because I am of the aftrican american race and see alot of this as acceptable. You are correct though, it goes on in all races and I think we as women need to protect ourselves and children from broken homes. Yes there is no guarantee that a marriage will last or relationship but at least we tried and made attempts. Yes many women are advocates to be single mothers than have a marriage or have just given up on marriage. Its crazy how times have changed since back in the day when the baby boomers came up, it wasnt as common to be a single mom, in alot of cases the man stayed with the woman or married them if pregnant. In this generation dont stand by this so as a woman all you can do is protect yourself and use Birth control if you are not in a relationship with this person. SMH And the sad truth is I think it will only get worst with the younger generations.

      Liked by 1 person

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